Stairway to obesity

I manage an office building in West Tampa for a jewelry genius and great guy, Mark Oliva. It's on West Columbus Drive in Tampa. It's in a super location...quite spacious...lots of parking. One big problem: It has no elevator. It was built some 40 years ago when people didn't mind moving around, climbing stairs. Some people actually ran up and down them. That's when lawsuits weren't subliminally programmed in people's minds. The times were lighter, the earth weighed much less.

Most people these days don't want to climb stairs to get to their offices. Matter of fact, they almost demand they be carried on and off an elevator and placed neatly in their desk chairs. I suppose we'd do that for a surcharge on the rent.

When the Columbus office building was constructed, there was no obesity epidemic. People hastened up and down stairs because they were thinner and able to move better. Forty years ago, if people fell on stairs they rushed to wash their wounds, dabbed on some hydrogen peroxide and returned to work. Today, they hope their attorney's office has a first aid kit because that's where they go first.

People used to hold at a decent weight because they used their bodies as intended. I don't really think people are too lazy to go up and down stairs now...they simply can't. It's got a lot to do with gravity. Trotting upwards is difficult when you're carrying a briefcase, a laptop and a hundred or so extra pounds on your belly. Sometimes the dropping skin can intrude on first floor tenants.

Sections of first floors used to be saved for the physically handicapped. That was voluntary as building codes did not require them to be accomodated. These days, if someone in a wheelchair drives up to your building and can't get to the office they need there's a special 800 number they can call or, bettter yet, they just take their fat time filling out a few short forms on the Internet at www.Let'sSueTheBastards.com.

I like the idea of making buildings accessible to those who are physically challenged but it's often cost prohibitive to modify old structures for that purpose. I think it would be much easier for me to ask prospective tenants to get off their butts, lose some weight and move it. But Mark is not like that and would probably object.

There are prospective tenants who back down from renting because of the fear that one day they will lose a client who may be handicapped. Here I am, nearly willing to pay them to move onto the second floor and they're worried about losing a client. When I tell them they can come downstairs to meet with those people, they balk. I personally have a problem with heights and many times I've had big, important people come down 42 floors to meet me in the lobby.

In any case, the second floor is nice because it creates a whole new dimension in insulation for the first floor. If it weren't for that, the aged air conditioning units would have pooped out 15 years ago. The first floor is rented out entirely and there are even people willing to rent a tiny portion of that space from the people who are already there.

There are a couple of clients on the second floor and they deserve credit for taking the space. One is a computer firm that felt there was little chance of them being bothered by solicitors. The other is a church group and the second floor puts them 15 feet closer to heaven and at a very good rental rate.

I've actually thought about renting just the stairways...to physical fitness buffs. Hell, my rate would be much cheaper than a gym. I used to think having a basement would have made leasing much easier but I realized that people would have to climb up from it. That wouldn't work either.

Our leasing agent is Robert Romano, hired because of his slender build and willingness to climb stairs. But we have to pay him by the step.

I'm over it. The Columbus building will now have two first floors, one just above the other. We'll just take the problem of getting leases to a whole new level. Next year, we'll charge for space by weight. The lighter our clients, the cheaper their rent. That ought to help motivate some to get lean and climb the stairs.

My friends would all agree I need to lose some weight myself. Mark has no idea, but when I personally show the property I give prospects a master key, point to the second floor, get back in my car, turn on the air conditioning and listen to 94.1FM while sipping a Coke and praying nobody falls down the stairs.